day 5 - i'm straying

Okay so i tried to do a survey post and it was a disaster.

now i'm exhausted

yes i'm counting this as day 5.

peace.

day 4 - Views on Religion

Views on religion, eh?

Hmmm...

Let me start by saying that I'm not sure that I believe in God. There - now it's out on the table.

The subject of religion is really hard for me because I consider myself to be spiritual, but I can't connect with any religion. I couldn't ever be a full-blown Christian - there's just too much I don't agree with (homosexual relationships/marriages would be one big one for me). I don't really like Hindu, Buddhism, Judiasm, Catholicism, or any of the other "big" religions. I've tried being pagan (for the record, my husband is pagan)... but I just can't seem to find the right fit.

But, at the same time, I feel bereft without it. I truly feel like there is something missing in that part of my life and my heart -- and I've been on a life-long (okay since I was teenager) goal to figure out what it is.

What I do believe is that we should all be kind to one another. We should take care of our earth. And I believe that karma (or whatever you wanna call it) will give you a big swift kick in the ass when you need/deserve it. I believe in listening with to your heart and following your logic. I believe in believing in yourself.

I feel like this is all over the place - and it probably is because i'm in a hurry. And I don't really know what I feel. Maybe one day I'll figure it out.

day 3

It's day 3 and I'm already bored of this.

Lol.

Maybe it's just the topic for the day: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

I feel like I'm never going to not get asked that question. They ask you that at the end of junior high. When you're 14. And they want to know what you're going to do in 10 years - which is 90% of the time never what you actually do. And then again at high school when you're in your later teens. And - again - probably going to be wrong. And so here I am - nearly 26 - and how close am I to what I said I wanted to be doing at 16.

--College degree? Nope.
--Awesome "career"? Def not.
--Not worried about money? Ha!
--Married? Yes (but it's not a great marriage so I'm not sure that counts as a success. We'll say half-success)
--Kids? Yes - well one. So again an half-success I wanted multiple by now. (Truth be told I wanted to be almost done having kids by now.)

So I have one full success point accomplished out of 5. That's 20%. If I were still 16 that'd be an F. In all reality - these have been my goals since I was ten. I've always known I wanted to go to college, have a career, and be married and a young mom.

Granted - at 16 (or 6, or 10, or 14), I had no idea what real life was about. I had a job, but I didn't understand bills. I went to school but high school was a breeze for me - college not so much. I felt like I had all the time in the world - now the days pass by in seconds.

At 26 what would I like to be doing at 36. I feel dumb because my goals are the same:

--College degree.
--Awesome career
--Not worried about money
--Married (hopefully to the same person - and we just have a stronger marriage/relationship)
--Kids - please oh please let me be done having kids by then.

At 36, Regan will be 10 and probably still in grade school. When my mom was 36 I was almost done with high school. This depresses me - and I'm not quite sure why.

At 36, what I hope most is I know who I am. So I can teach my daughter to be strong with her desires - and that way when she's 26 she's not still trying to accomplish the same goals for decades, like me.

day 2

whoop! I am doing 2 days in a row. I rock.

Day 2: A picture of me and 15 fun facts about myself.



(I cheated... it's a pic of me and the baby... but whatevs)

1. I love love love love love love to read.
2. I am left handed in everything - except cutting. I have to cut with my right hand.
3. I can pick up most anything with my toes.
4. I can touch my tongue to my nose.
5. I love a good sale.
6. I was born on the same day as Gwen Stefani, Ashlee Simpson, and Lindsey Buckingham.
7. Most of my best friends now, I hated when I first met them.
8. I am terrified of ants. And bees.
9. I have never broken a bone.
10. I have never tried any type of drug (minus alcohol) in my life.
11. I love all types of crafts.
12. My hero is my mother.. and my sister.
13. I can understand Shakespeare. The first time I read it.
14. I have never worn a matching bra and panty set in my life.
15. I wish I could wear flip flops everyday, all day.

Those were pretty lame. And that was pretty hard. But... what the heck. I consider it a bonus because I wrote 2 days in a row.

I am a rockstar.

30 day blog challenge - Day 1

So - in effort to actually blog and create a habit, I'm challenging myself to a 30 day blog challenge. 30 days in a row.

I was supposed to start July 1st. Oh well - how about July 3rd.

30 days will take me through to August 2nd. And then hopefully I'll have created a habit for this blog - and for the one I wanna do for Regan. We'll see how this goes - but I truly want to be successful!

~~~~~~~

My first topic is: Your current relationship

Currently - I am married. And with child. It could really be summed up as easy as that - but I think the purpose is to incite creativity and such. So what can I say about my relationship with my husband....

I've known him since I was in 9th grade (he was in 10th). This is how we met: He came up to me while I was waiting for my mom to pick me up after softball practice.

J: "Hey, my name is James and I like to meet new people."
C: "I'm Cassie."
my mom drove up
C: "I have to go."
I go to the car and my mom asks who the boy is. I don't know, I say. Some guy who likes to meet new people.

Suuuuper romantic right? It gets better.

A few days later - same scenario:

J: "Hey my name is James -"
C: "-yea and you like to meet new people right?"
J: "Uhhh.. How did you know that?"
C: a look of annoyance and idiocy "You already said this to me before."
J: "Oh. Well... you should come have lunch with me tomorrow."
C: "Can my friend come?"
J: "Okay"
C: "Okay"
My mom pulls up and I go again. My mom asks if it was the same boy. I reply yes. I told her he really likes to meet new people, but apparently doesn't remember who he meets. And that is the story of the first time we met.

From that day forward me and the bestie ate lunch with him and his bestie. As the year went by, I had a growing crush on him - and he on me, but I was none the wiser of his infatuation until the last day of school. The next year I moved about 40 miles away.

We kept in contact and remained friends-who-wanted-to-be-more for years. His senior year we finally went to a dance together. It was amazing.

Then we lost contact until I was about 23. I moved back to Cali for him and the rest is history. He proposed in 12 days.

Now - I wish I could say that we have the happiest marriage and that I married my best friend and all of that mushy stuff, but it would be untrue. We fight. A lot. And we are both very stubborn - so we butt heads most everyday. But we do love each other. Very much. And we have a baby together now that we love even more. All I can hope is that it's our love and our devotion to each other that will win out in the end. One day we'll figure out how to communicate and how to make our relationship stronger. Everyday we learn something new and grow from that. Or... at least I do.

And counting...

So....

The second day in a row. Let's not hold our breath for a streak shall we?

I worked today and during one of my surveys I caught the eye of a very good looking man. We continued to make eye contact with one another during the survey and I found my heart fluttering. What is my problem? I instantly felt guilty. I have a perfectly good husband at home waiting for me.... Is it still okay to get the butterfly feelings from someone else? Even if it's only during a three minute survey?

Not too long after the Light Parade came by and there was a moment where Prince Charming and Cinderella were together dancing. I know that they have to make themselves look happy... and I know that they are two grown adults playing the parts... but for some reason, in that moment, I believed them. Suddenly, I was a 6 year old girl sighing at Mr. Charming and wishing to be Cinderella....

Again, what is my problem....?

Maybe it's just because we've been fighting. Or.. not really fighting... but apathetic to each other. Most of the time, I feel like he's happier with his friends than he is with me. And if it's the truth, I don't know how horrible that is... but it hurts me inside fiercely. But we do this. We're newlyweds, after all. It's like you spend 80% of your time together in bed making love, and the other 20% ready to tear each others heads off. I guess 20% of bad isn't so bad in the long run, really...

I'm eating Oreo's. They're delicious.... but they're not helping with weight loss. Oh well. Better to enjoy now, than feel guilty and not enjoy at all.... right?

Yea... remind me of that in 20 pounds.

Tired of pretending

So...

Here's blog attempt #4908769867.

One day, I'll probably get better at this.

Writing used to be one of my passions. One of my outlets in life. Now, it's as if all the creativity has been sucked out of me. Sometimes, I can even fashion myself as a painter, but after the work is done, I look back at it and want to chuck it. Maybe I'm just my own worst enemy.

I'm starting this blog for a few reasons:
1. I'm trying to lose weight. And I need to keep myself accountable. I'll be journaling my (hopeful) successes on here.
2. I need to get myself back into writing. Even if I don't feel creative, I so miss it.
3. I need a venting place. Maybe that will help me be a happier person.

I don't know how many people I'm going to tell this blog about at first. Probably Wayne. Mostly because he's the only one online enough who'll actually read it. And I need at least one reader... because then other people won't hold me accountable to hold myself accountable to actually keep this up.

You know, every year, secretly my new year's resolution is to keep a journal. I've had one journal since 2003. And about 15 empty journals.

Sometimes I feel like if I get a new journal that's "pretty" it'll entice me to write -- really, in the end, I'm afraid I'll mess it up with all my words.

I can't really "mess up" a blog, right?

Anyway... I don't really know what to write about tonight (and thus the blockage begins).

I promise -- I'll get better at this.
One day.